Life had been demanding a meaning for long. But of late, I have arrived at thinking in a manner unlike mine. All the time, I hear people going on and on about giving "new meanings" to life. I have somehow not managed to figure out what they mean by it! Planting trees? Helping a kid to get his education? Helping poor and needy! These things, they seem like something huge. I have spoken in debates- on how I would like to plant trees. On how I would not sleep for the day until I have known that I have helped at least one person that day! But these, they seem far too bizarre coming out from me, now.
They are not normal! My mind behaves more practically each day towards a new day! I have not imagined myself to be a practical person, not ever. I had been a "drama-queen". But all that seems like a lost treasure. Someday, I could always put on my Indiana Jones Hat, and go off in search of that lost treasure. But there is time. Before I go, I need to earn myself the wisdom I would require through my journey towards my treasure. I do regret losing the treasure. And I aspire to get it back.
Days have been whispering to me a few things. They have been telling me- "Watch out! Here comes your brain"! I pretend as though I can't listen to them. It made no difference. Their telling me things. But after a few days, I felt guilty. I had been cheating the days. But brain gives me the strength to forget the guilt.
I do not share thoughts with another soul. I only publish them for the entire world to see. Strange! It makes me laugh at times! The way I work with things! I am- a person who thinks, and when she thinks, she thinks only in one genre at a particular time. Sad- it's sadness at peak. happy- it's happiness and nothing else. There are no gray spots there. Often times, I have noticed this. When I am in travel, there is this sudden rush of thoughts deep down my mind! It makes me smile. and when I smile, I realize all of a sudden that I am all alone in say, a bus, smiling to myself! Am I nuts?
This thought never came in before, when I had the treasure with me!
There was a crow the other day- which flew so close to me, that its wings grazed over my head. I could let it be! But why was I afraid? Was it in my nature or was it because I was too cautious about my future? What do I expect out of my future? A job- which I have. Or may be a better job. A family. Ultimately, I wish to be a successful working woman? Is that what I wish to be? But isn't that what everyone wishes to be? What's new in it? But is that what I want? Is this what will make me happy?
May be it is time now, to go off in search of my lost treasure- for this question, I can answer only then. I need my self that I've lost to time and also the self that I have earned with time to decide on the days ahead. May be it is time now to take out my hat and go out in search of it! May be it's time I realize the spirit in me, for what it is...
The bronze bell awoke the Gods' hunger. The Neivedhya(offering) was served even before the Gods could feel that hunger. A small bowl full of rice- steaming hot with dhal and ghee and fruits. The Arti to indicate the Gods are now well-fed and are happy enough to bless one with impractical boons. As though the Gods could listen. The new arrival there was- the Spatika Linga. It did cost a fortune! Not to forget the rituals performed to welcome the Linga home. It was costlier. The hope it brought in the home, was however, even more precious. It made him forget all about money. All the rituals that took his money and energy! Hope- made him forget everything else.
Divyam was a man who had lost all hopes, long back. He believed his life's sole purpose now was to serve his mother till she breathes her last and serve the Gods till he breathes his last. All his ambition to succeed and achieve were lost three years ago, when he lost all his belongings to the share-game. Stocks too, were like Gods. They could give. But they could take it all away too. He now knew why he loved the Shares! But it was in the past. The future had no dreams of it. The hopes could not enter into their house all these years. But this was because of something else. Something, unexpected.
Pranav- Divyam's younger brother, met with an untimely death. No one had expected it. He worked in a Nationalized bank. There was an accident. All of Divyam's savings went into Pranav's medical expences. The worst part was Pranav's passing away when their mother was alive! Devki had been a strong woman, raising the boys, all alone, educating them. But she was old too. And Pranav was too young to die. And Divyam, too young to loose everything! She could not bear it. She was shattered and her health diminished. She took refuge in her husband's old radio. And Divyam, in the idols of Gods.
Everyday, Divyam would wake up, bathe. And work on the idols. Take them off their abode. Clean them. Clean them until the bronze sparkled like gold! Then he would bathe the Gods in water, milk, sandal, turmeric and all auspicious things. Wipe them clean. Pray in front of them. Bribe them with Rice, ghee and dhal. And everyday- his prayer was this-"One day, there should be a new day. And that day, I would have more money than I would ever have. Then I would have a life, once more".
People who became involved with Gods, never ever get tired of them. Bhola baba of the Neem Tree fame to Chandi Baba from Himalayas. Every single Baba would interest them. One such Baba gave Divyam the Spatika Linga. It is said that the Spatika Linga, that is a Linga or depiction of Shiva, the God of Destruction, made of crystal; it had the powers to give the seeker all that they wish for. It took Divyam a month to complete the rituals and finally bring home the Linga.
He had a reason to believe in it. Since Pranav's death happened when he was employed in a bank, Devki wrote to the bank in which he was working. Since Pranav was the only bread-winner of the family, she had requested them for compensation. They had even replied back that her request was under consideration and that she would hear further soon. And this was why, the hope returned to their home. This was why Divyam prayed. Every single day.
Lata's melifluous voice was beginning to take an effect. Divyam felt drowsy. It was noon and he was in his usual retreat- the balcony, reading the news. The Stock update. There could still be money. He could start all over again. Devki could be happy, again. The doorbell rang. Divyam went to get it. Mr. Mishra was at the door. Divyam invited him in.
Mishra was the one who helped him in his earlier days. He taught Divyam- the trade. He was now a retired man. But he remained to be a well- wisher. Mishra had a reason to come to Divyam's home that day.
"You remember Ram? The boy who used to come around you day and night"? asked Mishra.
"Oh yes Mishraji. Young boy! Very enthusiastic about learning things", replied Divyam.
"Oh, now he's no young! Become a Seth!", and they both started laughing.
Mishra continued once the laughter subsided- "Look Divyam! I'm telling this for you good. Stop all the fuss. If you want, I'll help you with the capital. This Ram, he's starting something new. I'll talk to him about you. He respects me. He won't deny.. You can invest in his venture.. I'm sure- that's going to be a huge business.. What say"?
Divyam appeared to be in deep thought. Mishra continued, "Divyam! Leave all that has happened! There is no use holding on to a dead bull's tail! Leave it. Ram is a good guy. I'll give you some money. Come by my home tomorrow..."
"Mishraji," Divyam interrupted, "it is kind of you. But you very well know that I won't accept your money. But of the offer, I'll consider. Mother has written to the bank.. Once we hear from them.."
Mishra looked into Divyam's eyes. Those used to be a winner's eyes. Time had strange way of playing games. It also had a very bad sense of humour, thought Mishra to himself. Divyam was like a son to him. And he would do anything to help him. See him get out of this mess.
The Spatika Linga glowed each day, after all the washing and cleaning. But still, it was not showing its powers.
That day, was however a different day. The letter from bank had finally arrived! Divyam's hand was trembling with joy. But Devki adviced him to keep it at the foot of the Spatika Linga and open the letter only at the auspicious hour of the day. Afterall, all their hope was in that letter! Divyam did as he was told. Divyam and Devki had food. Devki tuned into the old radio and they were listening to the melodies of the yester years, as they were waiting for the auspicious hour to come. They both fell asleep.
"There was light. Like that which came from gold. Yellow. It was coming near and near". Suddenly, there was a clock ticking and indicating that it was almost four in the evening. Divyam woke up. Devki was still asleep. Divyam washed his face, and tried to wake his mother.
It was the thirteenth day after Devki's death. All the guests were gone. All the money was gone. But rituals were rituals. They must be done at any cost! And they were done. Divyam was sitting alone, in the balcony. All through those thirteen days, he had not for one day thought about what would happen after this day. His hope.. Hope.. Hope?
He suddenly remembered the letter! He rushed to the Spatika Linga. Took the letter. Opened and began reading it:
Dear Mrs. Devki Sharma,
Please do accept our heart-felt condolences on your son's demise. Mr. Pranav Sharma was a sincere and hard-working officer and a real asset to the bank. The scheme for compassionate appointment, is not there in the bank any longer. However, keeping the economic hardship faced by your family, it has been decided by the top management committee, as a special case, without creating precedence to allow an ex-gratia payment of Rupees Ten Lakhs to you.
To claim the same, please fill in the attached form and forward your signature, duely attested. Upon verifying your signature, the amount would be provided to you, in due course.
Urmi was packing her things. Parth lay there, as he watched her struggle with the suit case, trying to lock it down, smiling to himself. Urmi noticed it.
"You are really enjoying this, aren't you"? she asked him, annoyed.
"You just look good when you are.. you know.. like this", he replied, smiling at her annoyance.
"Parth, I really don't get how you are going to manage this! But I want you at my place this 26th! No matter what happens"! said Urmi, with a finality.
Parth got up and sat up right on the bed. He looked deep in thought.
"Urmi, see- even if I start on 25th night, I don't know...", he began.
"How do I look to you"? asked Urmi, angrily.
"As beautiful as ever", replied Parth, smiling!
Urmi threw a pillow at him.
"You know long it took me to convince papa about you?! After such a long time, they have finally agreed to see you! What will they think if you don't turn up.." she continued, angrily.
"Relax! I would be there! promise! Now, travel safe. Make sure, you call me once you reach there..", Parth replied.
Urmi looked thoughtful, for sometime. Then she said, in a totally different tone.
"Parth, there is something, I should tell you. I have been thinking about telling you that for a long time. But.. I felt it would be better to tell about it to you, once to come to my home. May be if you saw.."
"Urmi! You have never asked anything about my past for the past two years we have known each other. Trust me, I don't..", replied Parth.
"No.. this is not about me.. There is something else.. Fine, anyway- will tell you once you come there.. Bye! See you soon.."
And Urmi left for her home, waving him a good-bye!
***
Parth boarded the bus to Goa. His mind was full of dreams about his long planned life with Urmi. They had known each other for the past two years. And they had both felt that it was time to take their relationship to the next level. She was all that Parth needed to complete his life. She brought him out of the shell, into which he had been put into by someone whom he did not wish to remember anymore.
The bus stopped all of a sudden. The conductor announced that there was a small problem with the bus and it would take them an hour to get the bus to start again.
Parth got out of the bus along with others. There were a group of college students who in the bus, along with him. Looking at them, Parth couldn't help, but think of the unthinkable.
***
"Parth... PARTH.. Stop! Listen to me.. For a minute.. ", she came running behind him.
Parth kept walking without looking back. He could not, not ever look into her eyes again. Those eyes, had betrayed his trust. He had given her all his love that he had ever felt. But she had not cared for it. His broken heart, made him think of things that he had never thought about in his life before.
"Parth! I did not betray you.. It's all a lie! I wrote no letters to him. He's lying! You can trust him and not ME? Parth.. WAIT! Listen...", she came along, shouting.
All the people in the corridor were pausing to watch. And that was when he lost control over himself. He turned back to look at her. For the last time. And spoke-
"Listen to what, Rukmi? To your lies? I would have not trusted him with those letters.. Had I not seen you both..", he could not say more.
Rukmi's eyes were full of tears, that failed bring out any emotion but anger in Parth.
"Parth.. I'd rather die than betray you..", sobbed Rukmi.
"Which movie dialogue is that Rukmi? I know you are an all damn actress. You have been, all this while two-timing me with him! You know what is that called? You..."
***
Why was he even thinking about all these things? Parth boarded the bus again. He had now, only the future to think about. Nothing else. He needed to leave behind all his negativity.
***
He waited anxiously for someone to open the door.
Urmi was glowing. He had never seen her so beautiful ever before.
"Hi..", she said, smiling. And she took him inside her home.
She introduced him to her parents. They were as good Urmi. And Parth could say that they were impressed by him.
***
It was a pleasant day, that glided towards the evening. Parth and Urmi were walking along, hand-in-hand in the market. Urmi looked thoughtful. Parth was smiling to himself.
"I think it went well, don't you think so?", said Parth.
"Hmm..", said Urmi.
"Cheer up! What are you thinking about, right now"? asked Parth, cheerfully.
Urmi replied, "Parth, you remember when I was leaving for Goa the other day, I said I wanted to tell you something"?
Parth slowly replied, "..yes.. what about that"?
"Well, Parth- You should know that I have a sister", said Urmi.
Parth looked at her surprised!
"What? You never said.. But I didn't see her at your place! Hiding her are you? Jealous that I would go after her...?" said Parth , teasingly.
Urmi looked little worried.
"No. Parth, she doesn't live with us. She's.. Well, I think, now that you are part of family, you should know..", said Urmi.
"Know what, Urmi"? asked Parth.
"Something happened to her Parth. When she was at college.. Even I don't know what happened. Some of her friends told me, later. She loved a person. And he did not trust her. And in front of everyone, he called her something that a person would think a million times, before saying it, even when one is alone! She could not tolerate it.. And.. She..", Urmi started sobbing.
Parth looked at her desperately. She did not know what effect this information was having on him. He began, "Urmi.."
"Parth..", said Urmi, sobbing, ".. Parth.. Rukmi.. is now insane.."
Parth stood there, like a huge tree, that was totally uprooted.. looking helplessly at the sobbing Urmi..
Thoughts - wild and vast, Knocking the doors of the past... Stories of kings and queens I heard Flash past my eyes- though blurred! I am- a vague remain of a past filled with life...
They are not normal! My mind behaves more practically each day towards a new day! I have not imagined myself to be a practical person, not ever. I had been a "drama-queen". But all that seems like a lost treasure. Someday, I could always put on my Indiana Jones Hat, and go off in search of that lost treasure. But there is time. Before I go, I need to earn myself the wisdom I would require through my journey towards my treasure. I do regret losing the treasure. And I aspire to get it back.
I do not share thoughts with another soul. I only publish them for the entire world to see. Strange! It makes me laugh at times! The way I work with things! I am- a person who thinks, and when she thinks, she thinks only in one genre at a particular time. Sad- it's sadness at peak. happy- it's happiness and nothing else. There are no gray spots there. Often times, I have noticed this. When I am in travel, there is this sudden rush of thoughts deep down my mind! It makes me smile. and when I smile, I realize all of a sudden that I am all alone in say, a bus, smiling to myself! Am I nuts?
could let it be! But why was I afraid? Was it in my nature or was it because I was too cautious about my future? What do I expect out of my future? A job- which I have. Or may be a better job. A family. Ultimately, I wish to be a successful working woman? Is that what I wish to be? But isn't that what everyone wishes to be? What's new in it? But is that what I want? Is this what will make me happy?
ay be it is time now, to go off in search of my lost treasure- for this question, I can answer only then. I need my self that I've lost to time and also the self that I have earned with time to decide on the days ahead. May be it is time now to take out my hat and go out in search of it! May be it's time I realize the spirit in me, for what it is...
